Lily's Choice Of Words
by RandomSelection
Summary: Everyone knows that Lily Evans always yells at James Potter, and that he always seemes completely unperturbed. But is he really? Of course not! And then, one day, Lily goes too far ... LJ


**Lily's Choice Of Words**

"No, Potter! Never! Want me to spell it for you? N-E-V-E-R! That's when I'm going out with you!""

It had started like any other day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. James Potter had asked Lily Evans out during breakfast, and she had (of course!) turned him down. He had asked her out again at lunch, she had yelled at him for some time and they resumed eating. Now it was 4 p.m., and in the Gryffindor common room, people were seeking cover left, right, and centre, because Lily Evans was beside herself. Nobody had ever seen her this livid, and nobody knew why she lashed out like this – maybe she didn't know it herself. Even James Potter, who was used to being yelled at and was normally not disturbed in the slightest, stared at her in shock.

"... when will you get it through that thick scull of yours? I – do – NOT – like – you, Potter! No, cancel that: I HATE YOU!"

James paled visibly. "Hate?" His voice was a hoarse whisper. "But why? Lily, I'm not that bad ... I have my faults, yes, but ..."

Lily laughed shrilly. "Faults! _Faults!_ You don't have anything but faults, Potter! You're an arrogant jerk, you're a bully, your ego is the size of Alaska, you're immature, irresponsible, you ..." In this way, she went on and on for what seemed like hours, until she, at last, was stopped by sheer exhaustion. All this time James had just stood there, looking at her, not saying a single word. He hadn't tried to butt in, to turn her insults into jokes, like he normally did, he had not even yelled back ... and some people thought they had seen tears in his eyes. When Lily's rage had subsided, she had briskly turned round and made her way to the stairs that led to the dormitories. A quiet voice, however, had stopped her. "What ... Lily ... what can I do ..."

"Drop dead." And with that, she was gone.

One hour later Lily was sitting in an armchair next to the fire place in the common room, reading – or trying to. She felt guilty, terribly guilty in fact. Why – _why_ had she said those horrible things to Ja- … to Potter? It wasn't like her to say such things, not even to _him_. She yelled at him, yes, she called him arrogant, immature, a prat, an idiot … but she'd never said that she hated him! Why? Because it wasn't true! She disliked him, intensely. He was the pain of her existence, but hate? No. And telling him to drop dead had been – just cruel. And she wasn't a cruel person! She had a fierce temper, and sometimes she got carried away by it, but never before she had lost control like this. What had happened there? Why had she …

A distant noise interrupted her thoughts. She looked around. There were only a few people in the common-room. Most students seemed to be outside somewhere, enjoying the warmth. There was something strange about this noise, something she couldn't place, something slightly disturbing … Then, so suddenly that it made her jump, the portrait-hole flew open, and Sirius Black stormed into the room, closely followed be Remus Lupin, Frank Longbottom, Peter Pettigrew, and apparently the whole Gryffindor house. Lily rose and opened her mouth to ask what was going on, when …Was Sirius crying? She had never seen him cry. And – were Remus and Frank trying to hold him back, to wrestle his wand away from his grip? Tears were running down their faces, too, they showed unbearable pain and grief … There was Alice, sobbing … Peter had collapsed into an armchair, his face buried in his hands, his whole body shaking … Lily felt her heart turn to ice. Something terrible must have happened … again she tried to form words … but froze when she met Sirius' eyes.

Never had she seen something like that. There was more than pain, it was pure agony, beyond measure or reason … sheer madness stared back at her from the depth of those eyes! And something else: Hate. A cold and burning hatred that was directed at … _her_.

Lily flinched as if his gaze had physically hurt her and fell back into her chair. "Wh…"

"YOU!" he roared, still trying to get his hand free. Two more Gryffindor boys were now trying to restrain him. "YOU KILLED HIM!"

Lily didn't understand. "Killed …" she whispered.

"You told him to drop dead! You … and he …"

No … 

It couldn't be true. It just couldn't! But … his eyes … Remus' tear-stained face …Peter's trembling figure … Everything went dark … the world was torn apart … its pieces whirling around her in one foggy blur: Pushing her way through … the corridors … where was she running to? People … the hospital-wing … Dumbledore holding her back. "Lily, stop! You can't go in!" Fighting, screaming, crying … pain, despair and guilt, unbearable, too much, too much for her … _No! James! James! Oh, God, please! Please don't be dead! Please, James …_

"Lily? Lily! Lily, wake up!"

Lily jerked awake and for one moment was completely disoriented. _Where … what?_ Then her memory returned. "James …" she whispered, and felt tears run down her face. _Oh, my God, what have I done? _She buried her face in her pillow and started sobbing.

"Lily, wake UP!" Someone grabbed her shoulder and shook her quite roughly. She jerked her eyes open again and only now noticed Alice, her best friend and dorm-mate, looking down at her with an expression somewhere between concern and annoyance. "Alice?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yes."

"Oh, thank god you woke me up!" Lily breathed, still trembling. "I had …" She stopped, confused and uncertain. It had been a nightmare, right? But … it had seemed so real! "Alice …" she asked, somewhat timidly. "I dreamed that … that … and now I don't know …" She drew a deep breath and braced herself. "I didn't have a fight with James – Potter last afternoon, did I? And said some … horrible things to him?"

"Yes, you did, Lily." Alice's expression now was serious, almost dark. "You told him you hated him … Lily, you don't hate anybody! What …"

But she was interrupted by Lily jumping out of bed. "Oh, God, what have I done? I have to apologize!"

"Now? Lily, it's half past six in the morning, and it's Saturday!" But Lily had already run out of the room. Alice stared after her, shaking her head. "This girl will be the death of me!" she said quietly to herself. Then she closed the door and slipped back into her bed.

Then Lily stormed down the stairs and up to the boy's dormitory. There was only one thought running through her head: _I have to apologize! I have to tell him that I'm sorry! I have to …_ Maybe that was why she didn't stop, but just burst into the dormitory of the seventh-years' – only to find herself face-to-face with Sirius, who came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but shorts.

Under normal circumstances, she would have laughed at his surprise. He stared at her open-mouthed for some seconds … but under normal circumstances she would not have been here at all, especially not this early. And Sirius, after regaining composure, was clearly enjoying himself, or maybe it was just anticipation. "Morning, Evans!" he greeted her cheerfully, not troubling himself with keeping his voice down. "What can we do for you at this hour?"

Only now had Lily fully realized where she was, what she'd done. She felt a blush spread over her cheeks and desperately tried to silence him, knowing full well that it wasn't going to work. _What am I going to do now? _Her embarrassment grew even worse when Remus sat up in bed and looked at her. He had a questioning look on his face, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. She wanted nothing more than to evaporate on the spot.

"Well, _Lily_", Sirius emphasized her name, glancing sideways at one of the occupied four-posters, "aren't you going to say anything?"

"Shut it, Padfoot," came James' sleepy voice from inside the curtains, sounding slightly annoyed. "I'm not going to fall for that one again …"

Sirius grinned and winked at Lily. "And how does this time differ from the other seventeen?" Remus chuckled silently.

"Before yesterday, I had hope left."

Sirius' grin vanished in an instant, as did Remus' bemused expression, and Lily … Lily felt the guilt rising again inside her at James' sad words. "James …" she said quietly.

There was a yelp, a thud and a crash, and then James Potter was lying on the floor upside-down, hopelessly entangled in the curtains of his four-poster, and staring open-mouthed up at Lily, unconsciously rubbing his head where he had bumped it at the bedpost. Sirius was roaring with laughter, Remus was holding his stomach, and even Lily couldn't suppress a grin. Frank, who had just awoken, eyed the whole situation confused. Peter, however, just continued to snore noisily.

James squinted his eyes, without his glasses everything was blurry, but even in his condition, sleepy, upside down and without his glasses, he would have recognized that red hair anywhere. "Lily …" he managed to get out. "What …"

This was then Sirius took pity with his friend, and, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes, decided to spare him further embarrassment. "Come on, Prongs, old friend," he said, grinning, "let's get you up! This is not the proper way to converse with a lady … upside down, and all …" He grabbed James, heaved him onto the bed (ripping the curtains on the way) and stuffed his glasses on his nose. "There you go!" he said cheerfully. "Now isn't that better?" Completely unperturbed by this friend's glare and Lily's awkwardness, he repaired the curtains with a flick of his wand and turned back to the bathroom. "You know, I was going to change in here, but if I did, Lily wouldn't be able to concentrate on your conversation, so …" He was about to close the door behind him when he looked back at them. "I certainly have to remember that one, mate! Really smooth!" They could hear him laughing in the bathroom.

"Ah, I …" That was Remus. "I think I'll just … pretend to go back to sleep, or something …" And with that, he drew the curtains round his four-poster, but his muffled laughter was still to be heard. Frank just shook his head, murmured something about "sleeping in on Saturday" and copied him.

James and Lily were silent for some moments, not looking at each other. Lily sat down on the floor, still feeling pretty embarrassed, while James was obviously confused. "Sorry 'bout them …" he said finally – and that gave Lily her voice back. "No!" she said, almost angry. "Don't apologize! It's me, who … I have to …" She paused, collected her thoughts, and then looked at him. "James, I'm sorry!" she said sincerely. "I said horrible things to you yesterday, and I want to apologize. I don't know what came over me, and …" She fell silent, unsure of what else to say, and dropped her gaze. What if he wouldn't forgive her? And how could she expect him to do so?

"Does that mean you …" Lily quickly looked up again when she heard … well, of course it was _James'_ voice, but it was different from any other occasion she'd ever heard him speak. Very quiet it was, and there was pain in it, fear, and hope. "… you don't hate me?" And when she looked into his eyes, she caught a glimpse of his emotions, and for the first time realized how many times she must have hurt him. How could she have been so oblivious … no, careless was the right word! She had never even considered … "No, James, I don't hate you." she said with a constricted voice. "I never did and wish I'd never said it to you! I … I lost control or something; I don't know … I'm really sorry! You annoy me, sometimes, and I flare up, but … I don't hate you!" She wanted to repeat it again and again, somehow to erase these terrible words. But all she could say was "I'm sorry."

James looked at her, and a feeling of relief and happiness washed over him. "I'm glad you've come, Lily!" he said, and his voice was heavy with emotion, although he tried to hide it. "You really hurt me, you know, and …" There was so much he wanted to say, and yet he didn't know where to start – and if it was the right time now. So he simply repeated: "I'm glad you don't hate me!" He hadn't intended to add anything, but when Lily smiled at him (She smiled! At him!), he couldn't restrain himself. "You know, I don't hate you, either!" He could have sworn he heard both Sirius and Remus groan at this from their respective eavesdropping-places, and for an instant he was afraid to have screwed up again, but Lily's smile only seemed to get a nuance sweeter. "So I've been told." Then she got up and turned to the door. "See you at breakfast, James." This prospect left James Potter sitting on his bed, a happy little smile on his face …

… until Sirius returned from the bathroom. "Get that cheesy smile off your face, Prongs, you're spoiling my appetite!"

**Well, that's that! Maybe there will be a sequel - would you like one? And I'm in debt to choco 108, who has kindly agreed to correct my grammar- and spelling-mistakes! (I hope I didn't make any in these few lines ...)**


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